Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
