the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
