they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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