I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
