just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
