I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
