I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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