She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
