He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
