If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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