At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
