so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
