new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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