I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
