Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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