You really coming over, don't trick.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
