Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
