I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
