so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
