atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
