Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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