I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
