If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
