I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
