How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
