as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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