My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
