Just cropdusted the office
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
