she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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