my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
