I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
