I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
