Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
