You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
