even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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