Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
