i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
