i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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