You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
