i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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