My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
