I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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