trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
