The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize