my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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