I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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