apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
