Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
