i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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