I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
