hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
