I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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