I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker