I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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