i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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