I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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