I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
