there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
