well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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