I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
